tomyhusband:

There is no compelling reason for either of us to wear pants when we’re alone in the house, unless one of us is making bacon.

tomyhusband:

calling me “the most beautiful girl you’ve ever seen”. It may or may not be true, but even when we’re old and our private parts aren’t working anymore, I’ll never get tired of hearing that I turn your viagra on and that I’m your only gal.

It’s one of the many reasons why I married you.

tomyhusband:

No, don’t you kill that spider. Here, let me catch him and put him outside.

tomyhusband:

Shut the fuck up, no you didn’t.  And if you ever quote Savage Garden again I’m filing for divorce.

tomyhusband:

Have all the female friends you want but if some floozy starts telling me how you like your eggs in the morning I’m gonna knock her the fuck out.

tomyhusband:

Think of them as the female equivalent to a blow job. Really good ones can make everything better and I’ll always want more.

tomyhusband:

If we spend our lives together as one of those happy couples that never get married, I’m cool with it. Kim Kardashian can be our excuse.